I love the topic of the yoga of emotions.
Why, might you ask? Because this yoga is freakin’ hard and oh so rewarding!
To sit in the pain of grief over the loss of a loved one, the pain of a crushed heart from a relationship breakup, the loss of a job, the dream life that never panned out, can be excruciating. We all go through it. That’s life.
In today’s world, it seems easier than ever before to control our emotions. Whenever we feel even the slightest discomfort or pain, with an effortless touch on the keyboard, we can make ourselves feel better. Don’t like your old mobile phone? Upgrade. Don’t like the tone of the text from someone you’re having an argument with? Block them. Struggling to overcome your loneliness? Binge-watch on Netflix or have a drink. There are multiple ways to avoid feeling our negative emotions and quickly extinguish the pain and discomfort they can cause. Paradoxically, this kind of control makes us weaker not stronger in the end.
What’s a yogi to do?
As psychologist, Harvard Medical School researcher, and Wall Street Journal Best Selling Author, Susan David, Ph.D., tells us in her book, Emotional Agility, “Emotions are the signposts” for our deeper needs and insights about who we are. When you can sit in the discomfort of your emotions, whatever they may be, and do nothing but hold space for them, the emotions will begin to reveal your deeper values, what really matters to you.
Most of us have little idea how to deal with our emotions. From childhood many of us got a bad rap on negative emotions where confusion, sadness, or anger were unacceptable, and only the positive emotions like happiness, confidence, and certainty were applauded. I grew up playing the piano and at a young age, I was pretty good. I got a lot of praise for whipping off pieces like the Bumble Bee Boogie. But one time during dinner when I was about nine years old, I got angry. I was sent immediately to my room. The message I took with me was that anger is not acceptable, is shameful, and punishable. As a child, I never learned how to be with my feelings and deal with them. That came much later through my yoga practice and Tantric teachings.
In the practice of yoga when you hold a pose and breathe into the physical discomfort, you’re able to shift the pain and release it. Similarly, when you allow yourself to stay in the discomfort of a difficult emotion, it shifts and releases, giving way to an insight. You are able to access a deeper wisdom.
One of the major obstacles in learning how to be with our emotions is having discomfort with discomfort.
We typically don’t tolerate discomfort well. Learning how to be with discomfort is a skill that can be cultivated and developed.
I recently had a very challenging conversation with a friend where we had different views on a certain topic. We each felt strongly that our view was the right view. Our emotions escalated and we both became defensive, more interested in being right, than listening to each other’s point of view. Ending the conversation in frustration, I took it to my yoga mat and meditated for some time on what had just happened.
I noticed I was feeling discomfort in my heart. It was a kind of agitation that was very difficult to be with. Every part of me wanted to squirm out of it. I took a deep breath and just stayed with it. In a very short time, insights began to arise from within. The feeling of agitation morphed into my longing to be heard and understood, to be valued by the other person. This led to a fear that maybe I’m not a good person or that I’m incapable of being a good friend. That led to a feeling of fear of being rejected and my need to be liked by everyone. When I saw that, I went back to my childhood where I carried a deep insecurity of not being enough. This insecurity came from my habit of perfectionism which I might have picked up from my dad, who was a perfectionist and a disciplinarian.
The bottom line is that in seeing all of these deeper threads behind the amorphous description of “feeling agitated,” I was led to my values, to what really matters in my life.
What really matters is kindness, to embrace the other person, to see them and be open to their point of view while also being seen by them for my views.
Suddenly, I softened. I began to hear the points she was trying to make. I began to see what really mattered to her. No longer fighting with her in my mind, I felt a flow of harmony between us. When I later reached out to share my new insights with her, I apologized for any hurt I may have caused her. She melted. We came back into a harmonious relationship of mutual love and respect.
I experienced all of that by doing nothing about the discomfort except being with it. I created space and opened to a bigger energy.
Here’s a simple formula and practice for how to be with difficult emotions.
1. Create Space.
2. Open to Grace.
3. Listen for the Lesson.
Step One: Create Space.
Take a breath and create space. Step back a bit. Try to create space between you and your emotion. Often, we say, “I am sad.” Or “I am angry.” But when we say it like that, what we’re really saying is that all of me, 100% of me is sad or angry. That’s just not true. Even as we feel sad, there are other parts of us that are not sad. We have appreciation. We might feel good about our accomplishments, or gratitude for the gift of life.
We need to create linguistic separation so that our brain can make the distinction between the experience of having an emotion and all of the other parts that are equally true about us.
Susan David suggests that we say it like this, “I’m noticing that I’m feeling sad.” Or “I’m aware that I’m having a moment of sadness or anger.” This separation is enough to create a gap to allow our conscious mind to enter.
Step Two: Open to Grace.
Remember that we are part of a bigger energy, a universal flow of consciousness that has space for all that is, including the full range of emotions. This is reflected in the Circle of Rasas in Tantra. (See the Appendix in my book.) We are divine, complex beings who are here to “taste” the essence of life, to be fully present in all of our emotions and to know that yes, we are our emotions yet we’re so much more. This step helps to lift the veil of self-judgment that keeps us entangled in our emotions.
When you open to a bigger energy, you stop trying to prove that you’re right. You soften and allow yourself to go with the flow, to be in the flow of the moment.
Step Three: Listen for the Lesson.
Once you step back, create space, and then open to grace, you listen for the deeper wisdom to arise. It will if you let it. Inside each of our hearts is the clear, open, and vast sky of wisdom. When the clouds clear away, we become the sky which gives us access to a deeper, wiser perspective that is universally sound.
Learning how to be with discomfort at the emotional level leads us to go deeper. To understand what’s important to us, what we value. When you can make decisions from this place of clarity you become value-driven. For obvious reasons, we want to be value-driven, rather than emotion-driven.
Discomfort is the price of admission to a life of fulfillment, meaning, and love.
Life, beauty, and fragility are all interwoven. Not feeling our emotions is like driving down the road gripping the steering wheel. We say to ourselves, “I won’t feel this emotion. Emotion, go away. You’re bothering me.” But really, the emotions are the body’s guidance system. We want to feel the emotions when they arise. Emotions are packed with life-giving energy and by allowing them to be felt, we receive their gift of energy and wisdom.
Yoga is the process and means by which you harness the spiritual energy behind all of your emotions that guides you deep into the heart where you’re able to receive insights and wisdom that lead to a deeper understanding of the self.
Knowing who you are, what you need, what ignites your passion, is the foundation for living a life of greatness.
Although all this can be uncomfortable at times, I say, bring it on! I want to be fully awake and fully alive.
There’s no better place to practice these teachings than with me on the mat. I often invite students to “hold the pose” while we work the nuanced alignment instructions. After breathing into the discomfort, almost always, we feel the body release the tension. It’s so freeing because when tension dissolves, we feel a rush of revitalizing energy. This is the life force, prana, that clears away patterns no longer needed and brings us back to the spacious awareness of the heart that reconnects us to our true nature which ultimately is ecstatic joy! And that’s the highest purpose of the practice. If you’re not already a member, I invite you to join the Ashaya Yoga Membership and practice with me! Take advantage of the 14-Day Free Trial.
Namaste,
Todd
Affirmations For Practice:
May I be healthy, strong, agile, and alert, with peace of mind.
When triggered, may I pause, soften, and allow myself to feel the root of the wound that is calling out for healing.
May all my difficult emotions be heard and held with compassion.
May I meet pain and suffering with compassion, curiosity, and courage, allowing for all my inner children to feel safe and cared for.
May I fearlessly dwell in the discomfort of my emotions and listen for the lesson.
May my self-talk be kind, nourishing, uplifting, and truthful.
May I come to know that fear, anxiety, loneliness, confusion, despair, rage, and shame are energetic guests; teachers who are here to wake me up and show me who I am.
May I come to know change and vulnerability as great medicine teachers.
With loving awareness, may I allow myself to be fully present in this moment in the midst of whatever is happening now.
May I feel my feelings, notice my edge, notice my discomfort, and soften, surrender, and allow myself to be present with what is.
May my emotions guide me to see what’s underneath and reconnect me to what really matters in life – my values, my needs, and my capacity to bring more light and love into this world.
Want more of Todd's writing delivered to your inbox each month? Sign up here for the Ashaya Newsletter!
Commentaires